South Park: Planet of the Apes
by TheInhibitor
Summary: Eric Cartman faces his biggest test as he tries to help America's greatest cultural genius!


**SCENE 1: School hallway**

_[School hallway. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny are standing together talking, when Cartman walks up, head hung low, and wearing a black armband.]_

**STAN:** "What's up with the black armband, fata**?"

**KYLE:** "Yeah, did somebody open a bag of Cheesy Poofs without you?"

**CARTMAN:** "No, you a**holes! I'm in mourning. America is losing its greatest luminary."

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "Who?"

**CARTMAN:** "Mark Wahlberg! How could you not know that? Don't you watch 'Entertainment Tonight'?"

**KYLE:** "Mark Wahlberg? You mean that douche from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?"

**CARTMAN:** "He's not a douche! He is an accomplished actor and musician! He is one of the shining lights of humanity!"

**STAN:** "Wait, didn't he dedicate a book to his penis?"

**KYLE:** "Oh, yeah! And, one time, he beat up a Vietnamese guy so badly that the guy went blind in one eye."

**CARTMAN:** _[sigh]_ "Yes, like all geniuses, Mr. Wahlberg is a victim of unfounded gossip from people jealous of his mind-expanding journey to stardom."

**STAN:** "I read somewhere that, after he became rich and famous, he didn't do anything to find the guy and make it up to him."

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "What an a**hole!"

**KYLE:** "Yeah, totally."

**CARTMAN:** "Will you guys shut up? We were at war with Vietnam! And besides, given all his cultural contributions, Mark Wahlberg has earned the right to beat up as many Vietnamese people as he wants!"

**STAN:** "Uh, like what cultural contributions would that be?"

**CARTMAN:** "Oh, I don't know, maybe a little movie called, 'The Truth About Charlie'?"

_[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other, dumbfounded.]_

**KYLE:** "Never heard of it."

**CARTMAN:** "My God, you culturally illiterate butt-holes. Look, Mark Wahlberg is responsible for the sort of iconic movies that have become beacons of enlightenment! His cinematic work has addressed issues that no one else was willing to tackle! He has given birth to movies that NEEDED to be made, and then released on to DVD as quickly as possible so that they could be appreciated by the masses!"

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "What the hell are you..."

**CARTMAN:** "'Max Payne' was a movie that NEEDED to be made! 'The Happening' was a movie that NEEDED to be made! 'Planet of the Apes' was a movie that NEEDED to be made!"

**STAN:** "But wasn't…"

**CARTMAN:** "And then it needed to be made AGAIN, but with Mark Wahlberg instead of Charlton Heston! Who, by the way, is not HALF the actor Mark Wahlberg is. I mean, did you see the piece of crap version Charlton Heston was in? The apes didn't even look real! But Mark Wahlberg had such a great chemistry with them, he was able to bring those magnificent creatures to life on screen, so that they didn't just look like a bunch of idiots in ape masks!"

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "Um, I…"

**CARTMAN:** "Fortunately, enough of them lived long enough to be in the remake, so they got a chance to shine with a better actor who could bring out their humanity."

**KYLE:** "Cartman, I don't think…"

**CARTMAN:** "And that's not even getting to his music career as the greatest rapper in history!"

**KYLE:** "Oh, Jesus, Cartman. He's not the greatest rapper in history. He's just a douche."

**STAN:** "Yeah, he's more like the world's greatest crapper in history."

**CARTMAN:** "Really? Well, if he's as bad as you say he is, then why isn't he in jail? How has he been so successful?"

**STAN:** "It's because he's good-looking. He's not good at anything besides that."

**KYLE:** "Yeah, except for getting away with being an a**hole, just like all good-looking people get breaks that ugly people don't get. Deal with it, fata**."

**STAN:** "Yeah, he gets away with being a big d**k only because he has a big d**k."

**KYLE:** "Without his good looks, he's just an a**hat."

**CARTMAN:** "Oh yeah? Well let's see if Mark Wahlberg being a big d**k stands up in front of class today when I remind everyone what a genius he is!"

_[Cartman storms off. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 2: Cartman does Show and Tell**

_[Cut to Mr. Garrison's class.]_

**MR. GARRISON:** "OK, kids, who wants to try to bring a false sense of importance into their depressing little lives by presenting something for 'Show and Tell' today?"

**CARTMAN:** "Oh! Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! Pick me! Please pick me!"

**MR. GARRISON:** "All right, Eric, let's get you out of the way first so we can end 'Show and Tell' on a relative high note."

**CARTMAN:** _[moving to the front of class]_ "Mr. Garrison, class, today I would like to celebrate the magnificent career of America's greatest artistic mind, a career that, lamentably, has been cut all too short: I'm talking about, of course…"

**CRAIG:** _[interrupting]_ "Charlie Sheen?"

**BUTTERS:** "The Human Torch?"

**TOKEN:** "Please tell me it's Justin Bieber."

**CARTMAN:** "No! I'm talking about Mark Wahlberg!"

**MR. GARRISON:** "Mark Wahlberg? What do you mean, 'cut short'? He's dead?"

**CARTMAN:** "No, he's quitting acting because he turned 40 and he's done all there is to be done artistically."

**MR. GARRISON:** "That's not exactly the same as being 'cut short', Eric. And I have to say, I'm semi-offended that you're celebrating someone who didn't object to the idea that gays should be crucified."

**WENDY:** "He also said he was creeped out at the thought of playing a gay cowboy in 'Brokeback Mountain', even though he played a murderous rapist in the movie 'Fear'."

**BEBE:** "Yeah, and then there's all those Vietnamese people he beat up."

**CARTMAN:** "God dammit! Why do people keep criticizing him for beating up a couple of Vietnamese people?!"

**CLYDE:** "Uh, because it makes him a bigoted a**hole?"

**CARTMAN:** "No, it doesn't! It shows how he was ahead of his time! Beating up Vietnamese people is how he became a movie star!"

**MR. GARRISON:** "Oh, Jesus, Eric, how you figure that?"

**CARTMAN:** "Well, just look: 'Deer Hunter', 'Platoon', 'Apocalypse Now', 'Full Metal Jacket'. Think of all the successful movies and careers that have been made based on beating up Vietnamese people! Don't you see?"

_[The class all look at each other, dumbfounded.]_

**CARTMAN:** "Beating up Vietnamese people is good luck, because they grant you wishes! They're magic! Mark Wahlberg forced one of them him to grant him a wish, which he used to become a brilliant rapper and movie star!"

**STAN:** "Uh, that's not how it works, Cartman."

**KYLE:** "Yeah, they're not magic elves. If you beat up a Vietnamese person, that just makes you an a**hole."

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "Which doesn't help you at all, since you're already an a**hole."

_[The class laughs.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[pause to glare at Kyle, Stan, and Kenny]_ "I'm not saying they're magic elves! They're more like Asian leprechauns."

**MR. GARRISON:** "Yeah, Eric, can you move it along, please?"

**CARTMAN:** "Certainly. What I'd like to present is a montage of Mark Wahlberg's finest early visual work from his stage performances and his advertising work for Calvin Klein, set to his musical masterpiece, 'Good Vibrations'."

_[Cartman starts showing pictures of Wahlberg from his days as a Calvin Klein model - each more embarrassing than the one before - accompanied by Wahlberg's rap from 'Good Vibrations'.]_

**MR. GARRISON:** "OK, Eric, that's enough."

_[Mr. Garrison switches off the music and screen projector.]_

**CARTMAN:** "But, Mr. Garrison, we haven't even gotten to the dance break!"

**MR. GARRISON:** "Eric, there isn't a d**k big enough to make me sit through any more of this. OK, so who thinks they can fulfill the prophecy of having a better 'Show and Tell' presentation than Eric?"

**CLYDE:** _[holding up a clear plastic baggie with something long and brown in it]_ "My cat left this in the corner, and we don't know if it's poop or a hairball."

**MR. GARRISON:** "Well, Clyde, congratulations, you appear to be the chosen one of whom the prophets did speak right at the beginning of 'Show and Tell' today. Come on up."

**CLYDE:** _[stands in front of class]_ "Well, like I said earlier, my cat left this in the corner of the living room, and we don't know if it's poop or a hairball."

**CLASS:** _[in wonder]_ "Ooooo."

**CARTMAN:** _[still standing up front, near Clyde, wide-eyed and speaking to himself]_ "My God. You people aren't even aware of the depths of your own ignorance."

**CLYDE:** "Naturally, there's always the possibility that it's both."

**CLASS:** _[in even greater wonder]_ "Wowwww."

_[END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 3: Cartman leaves South Park**

_[Cut to the front of the school. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are heading for the bus. Separately, Cartman walks past the bus.]_

**STAN:** "Uh, the bus is over here, fata**."

**CARTMAN:** "I'm not getting on the bus because I'm not going home. I'm heading to Hollywood."

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "Really?"

**CARTMAN:** "Yes. It's clear to me that no one appreciates Mark Wahlberg's contributions to humanity. I simply can't allow him to retire. If he does, all that he's done will be forgotten. So I'm going to Hollywood to convince him otherwise."

**STAN:** "Oh, Jesus, just because nobody loves Mark Wahlberg as much as you do is no reason to freak out. Don't be such a p**sy, Cartman."

**KYLE:** "Shut up, Stan!"

**STAN:** _[surprised]_ "What?"

**KYLE:** "Don't mock him!"

_[Kyle walks over to Cartman and puts a hand on his shoulder.]_

**KYLE:** "Cartman, nobody believes in you, and everybody thinks you're wrong."

**CARTMAN:** "Screw you, Kyle!"

**KYLE:** "No, listen to me! Everyone thinks you're completely delusional, which is why you need to prove them all wrong."

**CARTMAN:** "What?"

**KYLE:** "You need to go to Los Angeles, bring Mark Wahlberg out of retirement, and dedicate your life to making everyone recognize that he's as great as you say he is. Because, when you do, you'll be able to turn to everyone and say: 'I'm Eric Cartman. I was right, and you were wrong. F**k all of you.'"

**CARTMAN:** "That's true."

**KYLE:** "If you don't go right now, you'll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. You'll regret turning down an opportunity to say, 'F**k you, a**holes. I liked Mark Wahlberg before it was cool.'"

**CARTMAN:** "Yeah!"

**KYLE:** "So, follow your heart, Cartman. Follow your heart, and it will lead you to a place of superiority where you can flip everyone off, and show them that you were better than them all along."

**CARTMAN:** "Thank you, Kyle. I - I never knew how much you believed in me."

_[Cartman leaves.]_

**STAN:** "Dude, nice work!"

**KYLE:** "Thanks. With any luck, he'll get beaten into a coma by some Dodgers fans."

_[END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 4: Cartman meets Wahlberg**

_[Cut to Mark Wahlberg's hotel room. There is a knock at the door.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Yes, come in."

_[Cartman enters, dressed as a hotel worker, carrying a food tray.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "You can leave it on the table."

**CARTMAN:** "Actually, Mr. Wahlberg, I'm not room service. I'm staying at this hotel, living in the kitchen, until you agree not to retire."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Oh, no. Not another fan trying to talk me out of retirement."

**CARTMAN:** "Please, hear me out."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Look, just leave me alone. Everywhere I go, fans harangue me to keep making films. I've already made enough brilliant films, like 'The Lovely Bones'. I'm tired of being a misunderstood genius."

**CARTMAN:** "Mr. Wahlberg, please, I know you're overwhelmed. But I don't think you grasp the enormity of the situation."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "What do you mean?"

**CARTMAN:** "Mr. Wahlberg, there are so many people out there who are ignorant of your greatness! All they do is focus on your homophobia and your cruelty toward Vietnamese people!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "I know, but I'm tired of fighting it. It's totally unfair. That Vietnamese guy I beat up, it was all just a terrible misunderstanding. I'm not good around minorities. Everything I do just gets misinterpreted."

**CARTMAN:** "You mean, like the time you threw rocks at black kids while calling them racial epithets?"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Yes! Exactly! That was totally taken out of context!"

**CARTMAN:** "But that's why you need to stay in the game! You need to keep making brilliant movies like 'The Big Hit' so that you can stay in the spotlight and set the record straight! Most people don't even realize that beating up Vietnamese people is what made you great, that it's what made you a brilliant rapper and movie star."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Well, that's the scientific explanation, yes. But the real cause is not quite so obvious."

**CARTMAN:** "What are you talking about?"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Please, sit down."

_[Cartman takes a seat.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "White people have long known of the magical powers of the Vietnamese. For instance, we've understood that, if you beat them up, they grant you wishes, such as an Academy Award. Knowing this, I never made any attempt to compensate the Vietnamese man that I blinded, because I assumed that Vietnamese people could grow back a missing limb or eyeball if they needed to. After all, they're magic, like lizards."

**CARTMAN:** "Naturally."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "But, unbelievably, when I beat up that first Vietnamese guy, he didn't grant me a wish. So I beat up another one, and he also didn't grant me a wish. That's when I knew something wasn't right. How could the Vietnamese be such d**ks, after all we've done for them? But then I realized what had happened. By being complete d**ks to me and not granting me the wishes I had earned, those Vietnamese guys had cunningly projected all their magic into my own d**k, which caused it to change. Suddenly my penis got bigger. He even began to talk! His decisions were better than mine. His observations were more insightful. He was even more cleverer - I mean, intelligenter - uh, oh, he's smart, no doubt about that. He became more than just an appendage. He became an equal. We went everywhere and did everything together. And so I gave him a name."

**CARTMAN:** "Oh, no."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "The most appropriate name I could think of."

**CARTMAN:** "No, you didn't."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "I called him…"

**CARTMAN:** "Oh, please, don't."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Magic Johnson."

_[Pause while Cartman stares in shock.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Ever since, MJ has been the driving force in my career. He's thrust me to heights and levels of ecstasy that I never thought I could reach. That's why I dedicated my literary masterpiece - Marky Mark - to him."

_[Wahlberg holds up a copy of his 1992 memoir, "Marky Mark", showing the embarrassing cover photo of Wahlberg]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "He's responsible for all my success! Without him, I'd be no more than a good-looking a**hat."

**CARTMAN:** "These are the sorts of things that people need to hear! They need to understand your greatness so they don't criticize you!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "No, people don't want to know the truth. It's easier for them to just believe that I'm some jerk who doesn't like minorities, because it makes me look bad."

_[There is a knock at the door.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Look, I appreciate your support and concern, but I've got better things to do. Thank you for bringing the oysters."

**CARTMAN:** "Actually, I ate all of them in the elevator coming here. But, forget about that, you can't just give in!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "No, it's time for me to move on. Now, if you'll please leave, I have a prior engagement."

_[Wahlberg opens door. Two prostitutes enter as Cartman leaves. Wahlberg closes the door, but it doesn't quite shut, leaving Cartman somewhat able to hear and see what's going on in the room. Camera on Cartman as he watches through the barely open door.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Hello, ladies. You two wanna play a little one on one with Magic Johnson?"

**PROSTITUTE 1:** "You know it!"

_[Sound of pants being unzipped.]_

**PROSTITUTE 2:** "Wow!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Yes, indeed. Maybe you ladies should be paying me!"

_[Sound of Wahlberg getting it on.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Mm, oh, yeah, that's good...he's got the ball...he's dribbling up the court...Take it to the hoop, Magic! TAKE IT TO THE HOOOOOOOP!"

_[Cartman looks horrified. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 5: Cartman calls his friends**

_[Cut to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny at the computer in Kyle's room.]_

**STAN:** "OK, what do we want Cartman's FaceBook status to say?"

**KYLE:** "How about, 'I enjoy squealing like a stuck pig'."

**STAN:** "That's good. I was thinking something like, 'I want a mature older male to take my temperature'."

**KYLE:** "Oo, I like that one, too."

**KENNY:** _[unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures]_ "Mf hm n fm n hm fn."

**STAN:** "Holy crap! That'll make him the most popular kid on FaceBook!"

**KYLE:** "Yeah! Wait, change his relationship status to 'very receptive'."

_[Computer starts to ring.]_

**STAN:** "Hey, somebody's trying to Skype you, Kyle."

**KYLE:** "Oh, crap! It's Cartman! Quick! Hide everything!"

_[They frantically work the mouse and keyboard to shut down Cartman's fake FaceBook page.]_

**KYLE:** "OK, calm and collected, like nothing was going on."

_[Stan and Kenny whistle and look about innocently as Kyle clicks to answer the Skype call.]_

**KYLE:** "Hi, Cartman! How's saving Mark Wahlberg's career going?"

**CARTMAN:** "Not so good guys. Mr. Wahlberg seems to have given up all hope on people acclaiming him as the musical and cinematic prodigy that he is."

**KYLE:** "Don't give up, Cartman. You're already making a difference."

**CARTMAN:** "I am?"

**STAN:** "Absolutely! I mean, even here in Colorado, we're already seeing people improve their opinion of Mark Wahlberg. And they keep mentioning your name as the one who's changed their mind."

**CARTMAN:** "Really?"

**KYLE:** "No joke. Cartman, I wouldn't be surprised if people recognize you and walk right up to you in the street to thank you."

**STAN:** "Yeah, and you should be receptive to it. No matter what weird, freaky, suggestion they make about what they want to do to you in order to express their gratitude, don't turn them down."

**CARTMAN:** _[squeamish]_ "Don't turn them down?"

**KYLE:** "Cartman, understand that they're in awe of you. And they're just doing the best they can to find some novel way to praise you that sets you apart from the way they praise those who are inferior to you."

**KENNY:** _[unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures]_ "Mf hm n fm n hm fn."

**STAN:** "Yeah, even if they offer to do that to you, don't say 'no'. You've earned it."

**CARTMAN:** "OK, well, I will. It's about time I got a little gratitude. But, um, can I just ask you guys a question?"

**KYLE:** "Sure."

**CARTMAN:** "Well, there's only ONE ball in basketball, right?"

**KYLE:** _[pause, contemplating the odd question]_ "Yes, just the one."

**CARTMAN:** "But people usually have TWO balls, right?"

_[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny give each other an odd look.]_

**STAN:** "Yes, Cartman, guys have two balls."

**CARTMAN:** _[pensive]_ "That's what I thought...hmm..."

_[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny again give each other an odd look.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[resolved]_ "All right, I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep at it. I won't let you down. I know how much you guys believe in me."

**STAN:** "We believe in hope, Cartman."

**KYLE:** "Yeah. Big, fat, smelly hope that never shuts up."

**CARTMAN:** _[filled with pride]_ "Thank you, guys. Hope out."

_[Cartman hangs up. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny again give each other an odd look.]_

**STAN:** "Wow. He's really lost a nut over this."

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "No s**t!"

**KYLE:** "OK, let's PhotoShop his profile picture."

_[END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 6: Wahlberg loses his magic**

_[Cut to Mark Wahlberg's hotel room. Wahlberg has a towel around his waist. He lets the prostitutes out of the room, and closes the door behind them. Then he goes and sits on the bed. A voice comes from his groin.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Well, I guess you're pretty happy with yourself, as usual."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[to his groin]_ "Oh, what's that supposed to mean?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "You've just made the best use out of me again, haven't you?"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[to his groin]_ "Oh, here we go. Look, if we're gonna go through this again, at least come out where I can see you."

_[Out from Mark Wahlberg's pants climbs his penis, who is also wearing a towel around his waist, and another draped over his head and shoulders, covering enough to make him FCC compliant. You can't see Wahlberg's testicle(s).]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "You know I don't like it when your 'girlfriends' come over."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "What do you mean? We had a good time."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Pfft. Maybe you did. Those b**ches always be riding me. They got no respect."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Aw, they're not that bad."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Not that bad?! They spit on me! And I spit on them."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Oh, look, don't overreact."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Oh, that's right. Why should I take anything personally, seeing as how I don't matter to you."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "How can you say that? After all I do for you, the massages, making sure you have enough moisturizer…"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Oh, yeah. Big deal. Like that counts."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "C'mon, I'm always there to give you a hand."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I know, you always give me a hand. But I'm just wrung out. And sore."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Why?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Because you're giving up! You're ending your career - our career - before I ever even got to make a name for myself! Everyone knows who you are, but no one's ever even heard of me!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "What do you mean? I dedicated my memoir to you!"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "You were 21 years old when your memoir was published! You hadn't even done anything! And since then you've barely even mentioned me! I've been living in the shadows ever since. I've tried to be OK with it, but every time I manage to climb out of one dark hole, I just get sucked into another one all over again."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "But I thought you liked being the brains behind the scene. That used to be enough for you."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Well, it isn't any more. I want something more out of life. I want to reach for the stars."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Well, I don't want to keep working, I've achieved the success I asked for."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "See what I mean? I always stick up for you, but you never stick up for me. What about what I want?! When does that matter? I have dreams, too!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "What more do you want? I give you everything you could ask for!"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Because you think I can't do it for myself! Well, I want a career of my own. I want to earn my own money, pay for my own hookers!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[sarcastic]_ "I thought you didn't like 'those b**ches'?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "At least they'll look me in the eye! At least they don't hide me away whenever we're in public, like you do! After all I've done for you, you're ashamed to be seen with me! And you think I can't make it on my own!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Well, then, what? What is it you want to do? What kind of career do you want to have for yourself?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "No, I'm not gonna say."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Why not?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Because you'll laugh."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "No, I won't. Come on, just tell me."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "All right, then. _[looks away from Wahlberg, takes a deep breath in and out, then looks at Wahlberg]_ Stand-up comedy."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "See?! I knew you wouldn't support me!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "You can't be serious!"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I am serious! I can't just keep limping along like this. I've got so many great ideas, so much great stuff on tap, I can almost feel if flowing right out of me. I want to stand tall and proud in front of an audience, a huge crowd that's just waiting to take what I give them!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Look, just calm down, sleep on it, think about what it is you really want to do. We'll work this out."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "No, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I've got to take a stand. I'm leaving you."

_[Magic Johnson uproots himself from Wahlberg's groin with a "pop" sound, jumps off the bed, and heads for the coat rack by the door.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Baby, no. Don't be like this."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I've got no choice."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Baby, you're my muse, you're my everything. I'm nothing without you."

_[Magic Johnson stands at the door and - now wearing a hat and coat - turns and faces Wahlberg.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Maybe, maybe not. Either way, we've outgrown each other. Living with you keeps bringing me down."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[sobbing]_ "No, don't go away. I can't live without you."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I'm sorry, but I've got a ticket to ride. And I don't care."

_[Magic Johnson leaves. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 7: Cartman and Wahlberg team up**

_[Cut to lobby of hotel. Cartman enters, goes to front desk and speaks to clerk.]_

**CARTMAN:** "Is Mr. Wahlberg still here? I have to speak to him immediately!"

**CLERK:** "He's checking out. There he is now."

_[Cartman sees Wahlberg across the lobby, and runs up to him.]_

**CARTMAN:** "Mr. Wahlberg, I can't let you give up. I can't let you throw it all away and leave people in ignorance."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "It's too late. You were right, I should have done more with my career. I should have shared the credit. But now everything is over. He's gone."

**CARTMAN:** "Who's gone?"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "The magic is gone from my life. My penis has left me."

**CARTMAN:** "Oh my God! They - they can do that?!" _[looks down at his own crotch in horror]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Yes, they can. You can't take them for granted. You can't just assume they'll always be there for you. If you don't take care of them, if you don't show them that you're there for them in the hard times, well, then one day they might not be there to stick up for you. That's the mistake I made, and now I'm no good to anyone."

**CARTMAN:** "Mr. Wahlberg, no, please listen to me. Maybe it's not all over. Maybe we don't need him."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "What are you talking about? Of course I need him."

**CARTMAN:** "No, listen. You're not the only one to be rich and famous. All these other people must have been successful somehow, they can't all have had enchanted talking penises. I mean, Justin Bieber, there is no way he has an enchanted penis."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "That's a good point."

**CARTMAN:** "And the undeniable truth of Hollywood is that dozens of careers and Academy Award winning movies have been made on the backs of Vietnamese people. Maybe you don't need Magic Johnson."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "You think?"

**CARTMAN:** "Absolutely, Mr. Wahlberg. Little Vietnam is just a few blocks away. We can be there in a matter of minutes. We can lure a Vietnamese person away from the fold, and force them to grant you a wish."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "I dunno, that sounds extreme. I tried that twice already, and it got me all sorts of bad press."

**CARTMAN:** "Mr. Wahlberg, your troubles aren't going to get any better by doing nothing. If you want to get everyone to recognize your genius, you have to be willing to do what's necessary."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "All - all right. I'll do it."

**CARTMAN:** "Good. Get ready Mr. Wahlberg. The journey you're about to embark on will re-ignite your career, reclaim your good name, and win back your d**k."

_[END SCENE.]_

_** Commercial Break**_

* * *

**SCENE 8: Magic Johnson signs a deal**

_[Cut to celebrity agent's office, where Magic Johnson is meeting with his agent and two promoters. Magic Johnson is wearing a hoodie sweatshirt.]_

**AGENT:** "I'm telling you, this guy is one hot commodity! You definitely want to be on board! Just look at him! The women love him and the guys all envy him! Everyone wants to get their hands on him, he's the whole package!"

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, what can he do?"

**AGENT:** "What do you mean, what can he do? He can just be who he is! Men everywhere will look up to him for his straightforward honesty! He has the guts to be in public the kind of guy that they all know they are at heart! I mean, just look at how he lets it all hang out!"

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, I see what you mean, but is that enough? Today's audiences are too sophisticated to be captivated by someone just for the way they look."

**PROMOTER 2:** "Yeah, they insist that their celebrities have something to offer in terms of talent, accomplishment, and vision."

**AGENT:** "What exactly do you think they're looking for?"

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, can he play basketball?"

**AGENT:** "Can he play basketball? You better believe it! Why, he's tall enough, to be a power forward! Well, not right now, but with a little encouragement - " _[gets up from desk, takes a bottle of lotion from drawer, and is about to pump some of it into his hand as he walks over to Magic Johnson]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "No, no, no. I'm not interested in playing basketball. I'm more than just some huge, gorgeous slab of meat. I've got ideas."

**PROMOTER 2:** "You do?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Damn straight. I've got a whole stand-up comedy routine worked out."

**PROMOTER 1:** "Stand-up?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "You bet, it's what I do best. If you book me, put me up on stage, and let me spread what I've got out on an audience, you won't be disappointed. Trust me, I will leave a mark on them."

**PROMOTER 1:** "You sound awfully sure of yourself."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Well, like he said, I know who I am, and I'm not ashamed to show it."

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, I'm convinced. You really stick out in the crowd. I'm gonna get you booked for this whole week. I can tell: Not only are you gonna be big, you're just gonna get bigger and bigger. You're not like the rest of them. You're not gonna just explode and then peter out."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I haven't yet, and I never will."

**AGENT:** "Fantastic! Why, if this pans out, he could wind up hosting his own talk show!"

**PROMOTER 2:** "We could get him an hour in primetime!"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Well, an hour might be a little long. Maybe something under half an hour."

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're booked for the week at the comedy club. How do you feel about that?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Solid."

_[END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 9: Cartman and Wahlberg go to Little Vietnam**

_[Cut to the streets of Little Vietnam, Los Angeles. Cartman and Wahlberg get out of a cab. They are dressed in business suits.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[to cab driver]_ "Stay here and keep the engine running. We should be back soon with the 'package'."

_[Cartman and Wahlberg begin walking down the street, Cartman eyeing and sizing up Vietnamese people.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[quietly to Wahlberg]_ "OK, we just need to find one who we can convince to get into the cab with us. Then we take off and get you your wish."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Fine. But why do I have to wear this tie? _[tugging at necktie]_ I hate these things. Shouldn't I take my shirt off? Wouldn't that make a better impression?"

**CARTMAN:** "No. If we're going to convince one of them to get in the cab with us, you need to look respectable and trustworthy. For white people, that means wearing a tie."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Are you sure? _[still tugging at necktie]_ I know! How about if I take my pants off? That always wins people over!"

**CARTMAN:** _[exasperated]_ "No! That's the last thing we need! Just keep your pants on and be ready to move. Once we snare one we're going to have to get out of here as quickly as possible."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "This will be just like my movie, 'Planet of the Apes', where I was a lone human who had to escape from a planet! A planet full of apes!"

**CARTMAN:** "Yeah, let's just keep that to ourselves, OK? Try to find someone who looks gullible. This isn't going to be easy. The Vietnamese are very intelligent."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[looking around at all the buildings as they walk]_ "My God, you're right! Look at this place! They've created an entire civilization! They're every bit as smart as humans! I was wrong to mistreat them. _[pointing to people]_ They look so real! Is that a mask?"

**CARTMAN:** _[whispering urgently]_ "Keep it down, will you? You're going to scare them off!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Look, look! _[pointing to Vietnamese women]_ They even have street-walkers! They're just as advanced as we are!"

**CARTMAN:** _[whispering urgently]_ "Cut it out! Those aren't prostitutes! They're just regular women!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Oh, you don't understand. Vietnamese prostitutes are on a whole 'nother level. One time, I had this Vietnamese prostitute, Ming Li, and she - "

_[Middle-aged white man suddenly stops them in the street.]_

**MAN IN STREET:** "Hey, you're that kid!"

**CARTMAN:** "Excuse me?"

**MAN IN STREET:** _[taking Cartman's hand and shaking it eagerly]_ "It's such an honor to meet you, I can't believe how lucky I am to run into you!"

**CARTMAN:** "Well, thank you. I didn't realize my efforts had already been heralded so far and wide."

**MAN IN STREET:** "Look, I know this is short notice. But, do you think - well, would you be receptive to the idea of maybe going to the back seat of my car?"

**CARTMAN:** _[puzzled]_ "The back seat of your car?"

**MAN IN STREET:** "Yeah, I was thinking I could, you know, put some lotion on my foot, stick it down your pants and just wiggle it around for a couple hours?"

**CARTMAN:** _[uncomfortable]_ "Um, maybe not..."

**MAN IN STREET:** _[disappointed]_ "Oh. I just thought…"

**CARTMAN:** _[reassuring]_ "No, no, I don't want to seem ungrateful. I'm absolutely interested. But, maybe later, after I've helped out my friend here?"

**MAN IN STREET:** _[excited]_ "Oh, sure! I don't mind waiting my turn! _[gives Cartman business card]_ Call me! I'll give you $100!"

_[Man in Street walks away, smiling.]_

**CARTMAN:** "A hundred dollars? Wow! Kyle was right, I am making a difference. People are really are starting to come around."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[staring at Vietnamese people getting on a bus]_ "Breathtaking! Absolutely breathtaking! These noble savages are so much closer to the Earth, so much more in touch with nature than we are!"

**CARTMAN:** "Will you just shut up? Be quiet, I'm going to see if I can separate this one from the herd. _[walks up to Vietnamese man]_ Hello, sir! How are you doing today?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Fine, thanks."

**CARTMAN:** "I was wondering if I you would be available for a photo shoot for Abercrombie & Fitch? One of our models dropped out at the last minute."

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Me? Really? I've never done any modeling work."

**CARTMAN:** "Seriously? You haven't? Well, that's not a problem, it's just a simple shoot. Though, we're kind of strapped for time, we'd need to get over there right away. We'd pay you $250 for the afternoon, of course."

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Two-hundred and fifty dollars? Wow, that would be - "

_[Wahlberg walks up and interrupts conversation.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[wide-eyed, mouthing the words in demonstration]_ "Hyoo-man. Me, _[points to chest]_ hyoo-man. HYOOOOOO-mahn!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** _[apprehensive]_ "Uh, is he OK?"

**CARTMAN:** "Yeah, uh, he's just, uh, in character. He's auditioning for a movie later today."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "HYOO-mahn!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Haven't I seen him somewhere?"

**CARTMAN:** "Uh, maybe. He's an actor, but he hasn't done any major work. Why don't we all just get in the cab real quick?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** _[to other Vietnamese man]_ "Hey, is it just me or have I seen this guy before?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** _[surprised]_ "Oh, my God, it's Mark Wahlberg!"

_[A crowd begins to surround them.]_

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1:** "Sound the alarm! It's Mark Wahlberg!"

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 2:** "He's back! It's another raid!"

_[The crowd menaces.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[calling out to cab driver]_ "Abort! Abort! We've gotta get out of here! Kissinger! Evac! Pronto!"

_[The cab driver, now seen to be Henry Kissinger, revs the engine and plows through the crowd, scattering everyone. Cartman and Wahlberg hop in.]_

**CARTMAN:** "Good work! Now get us back to Hollywood!"

**HENRY KISSINGER:** _[looks in rear view mirror at crowd, which is re-forming]_ "Ze route back to Hollywood appears to have been cut off."

**CARTMAN:** _[looks back through rear window, sees crowd]_ "Dammit! We're gonna have to go through Little Cambodia instead!"

_[Crowd can be seen through windshield forming in front of the car.]_

**CARTMAN:** "Punch it, Chewie!"

**HENRY KISSINGER:** _[Wookiee growl]_ "Raaaarrrrr!"

_[Kissinger hits the accelerator and the car lurches forward, scattering the crowd again, and then disappears down the street. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 10: Magic Johnson does his thing**

_[Cut to comedy club, where a spotlight is shining on an empty stage. A voice over the PA makes an announcement.]_

**ANNOUNCER:** "And now, appearing for the first time, it's Magic Johnson!"

_[Magic Johnson walks into the spotlight. He's wearing puffy parachute pants and sporting a thick swoosh of hair.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! How's everybody doing tonight?"

_[Audience gasps audibly.]_

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1:** "Look! What's that on stage?"

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 2:** "I dunno, I just see a big d**k!"

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 3:** "Yeah, he's so real and in your face!"

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 4:** "He's just being himself, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks!"

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 5:** "How does he get away with it? Why can't I be more like that?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Well, I'm all right now, but I was in rough shape last week, I tell ya. Ya know, it's not easy being me."

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I've got an eye, but I can't see."

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I've got a head, but I can't think."

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "My next door neighbor is an a**hole."

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "And my best friend is a p**sy!"

_[Audience laughs. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 11: Cartman and Wahlberg reach safety**

_[Cut to street scene, Kissinger's cab screeches to a halt in front of a restaurant called "Red Lantern Thai". Cartman and Wahlberg get out.]_

**CARTMAN:** "God dammit! What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?! I told you to just shut up and not draw attention to yourself!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "I was just trying be respectful and appreciative of their culture."

**CARTMAN:** "Oh, 'I was just trying be respectful'. Excuses are like a**holes, Wahlberg. Everybody's got one! And they all stink!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Look, let's just go back and try again. I'l play it more low-key this time, like I did in the movie 'Shooter'."

**CARTMAN:** "Oh, no, you're not going back there. We barely made it out alive the first time, they'll recognize you in a second. You're staying here in Little Thailand where it's safe. Just go in there, order something to eat, and wait for me. I'll go by myself and lure one of them back here."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "OK. Can I take my pants off?"

**CARTMAN:** "No! Keep your pants on! Keep your shirt on! Don't get undressed, just sit in the damn restaurant until I get back! Jesus Christ!"

_[Wahlberg enters restaurant.]_

**CARTMAN:** "Of course, now that the Vietnamese are on to me, I'm going to have to come up with a disguise and a different strategy."

_[END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 12: Magic Johnson keeps doing his thing**

_[Cut to comedy club, where Magic Johnson is continuing his stand-up routine.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "All day long I have to hang out with two nuts."

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I'm filled with semen but I'm not in the Navy."

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I get beaten pretty much every day."

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "And every time I get excited, I throw up!"

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Out of my eye!"

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Into a rubber mask they make me wear!"

_[Audience laughs.]_

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I tell ya, it's not easy being me! Thank you very much! Good night, folks!"

_[Audience applauds wildly as Magic Johnson leaves the stage. END SCENE.]_

_** Commercial Break**_

* * *

**SCENE 13: Cartman tries again in Little Vietnam**

_[Cut to the streets of Little Vietnam, where Cartman - dressed in a pink tube top and skirt and wearing rouge, as in his Ming Li persona from "Cow Days" - is standing on the sidewalk.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[to Vietnamese male walking down the street]_ "Herro! Herro! Suckie suckie!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "What?"

**CARTMAN:** "Suckie suckie, ten dorrah! You boyfriend! We go back my prace Ritter Thairand. Ten dorrah!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** _[looks around]_ "Uh…"

**CARTMAN:** "Five dorrah! You boyfriend! My prace Ritter Thairand. Suckie suckie five dorrah!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Whoa, five dollars? Hell, that's a pretty good d…"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** _[walking up and interrupting]_ "Hold on, I've seen you before. _[to other Vietnamese man]_ Don't you know who this is?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Who?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "It's that prostitute who slept with Mark Wahlberg a while back, Ming Li!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Oh, yeah! You're right, it is!"

**CARTMAN:** "I am? I did? _[getting back into character]_ Uh, no! Mark Wahlberg no boyfriend! _[pointing to Vietnamese man 1]_ You boyfriend! Suckie suckie Ritter Thairand! Three dorrah!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** _[to Cartman]_ "How could you sell out and betray your own people like that? I mean, after what Mark Wahlberg did to another Vietnamese person!"

**CARTMAN:** _[desperate]_ "Suckie suckie! Ritter Thairand! Buck fiddy! Buck fiddy!"

_[A crowd forms around Cartman.]_

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "You know what we do with betrayers?"

**CARTMAN:** "No, wait! I'm not her! Look! _[he wipes of rouge]_ I'm not a prostitute, I'm a little boy!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "Well, then, why are you one the street dressed up as one?"

**CARTMAN:** "I got the idea from Mark Wahlber - uh…"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Hey! It's that kid who was here earlier with Mark Wahlberg!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "He's another harvester! He's trying to beat one of us up so he can be a movie star, just like Mark Wahlberg did!"

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1:** "He's right! Leighton Meester took my toenail clippings!"

_[Cut to Vietnamese man with prosthetic foot.]_

**VIETNAMESE MAN 3:** "Lil Wayne chopped off one of my feet!"

_[Cut to Vietnamese head in a vat on a wheelchair.]_

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 2:** "Justin Bieber decapitated me and took my whole body!"

_[Cartman starts to run down the street.]_

**VIETNAMESE CROWD:** "He's trying to get away! Get him!"

_[Crowd chases Cartman down the street. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 14: Wahlberg in Thai restaurant**

_[Cut to Thai restaurant, where Wahlberg is sitting in a booth, uncomfortable and fidgety.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "God, I hate this thing. _[tugging at tie, talking to himself]_ Why do I have to keep wearing it? I don't like ties. I hate 'em, don't want 'em anywhere near me. _[keeps tugging at it and getting louder]_ Always suffocating me, keeping me from being free. They do nothing but hang around, lazy and getting all dirty. _[tugging even more and getting even louder]_ Damn ties are just dragging me and this whole country down! They're stupid and ugly and they all look alike! I wish all the ties would just stay in the closet where they belong and never come out! _[gets up out of booth and stands up in middle of restaurant]_ In fact, I'd like to round up all the ties in the world, and string THEM up by the neck and say, 'How do you like THAT, you stupid tie?!'" _[holding tie in one hand, accusatively pointing finger with other hand]_

_[Wahlberg suddenly halts his rant, realizing that everyone can hear him. Customers in restaurant stare at him, wide-eyed and mouths gaping. Cut to front of Thai restaurant. Wahlberg rushes out the door and runs down the street, with an angry mob of Thai people close on his heels. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 15: Post-mortem of Magic Johnson's act**

_[Cut to celebrity agent's office, where Magic Johnson is meeting with his agent and two promoters again.]_

**PROMOTER 2:** "Well, Magic, I'm afraid we have some bad news. This is hard for everyone."

**AGENT:** "But especially for you."

**PROMOTER 1:** "We can't help but notice that, in all your appearances at the club, you keep just telling that one joke."

**PROMOTER 2:** "And while it's impressive that you've extended it to fill an entire 50-minute set, it is still just that one joke."

**AGENT:** "And the reviews aren't good. _[reading from computer tablet]_ 'A total flop'. 'Completely flaccid'. 'Stands but doesn't deliver'."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "But - but this is my best work!"

**PROMOTER 2:** "Sure, and it was fine the first couple of times, but it's become predictable."

**AGENT:** "It looks like you're just a one trick pony, good for one thing and not much else."

**PROMOTER 1:** "You see, when all you have is that one joke and an in-your-face attitude, it's not funny. It's hurting people. And, at a certain point, hurting people stops being financially rewarding entertainment."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "At what point?"

**AGENT:** "Box office gross under $50 million, I'd say."

**PROMOTER 2:** "You can't just keep hitting people over the head with a giant meat stick. Even the female demographic gets tired of that sort of thing eventually. They wan't something to think about. Observations about relationships, or politics, or flatulence."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "But - but give me another chance! Maybe I could make a comeback. Well, not right away, I need a little time to recover..."

**PROMOTER 1:** "Yeah, the thing is that the female demographic is ready NOW. They've got a huge demand, and we need someone to fill that hole RIGHT AWAY."

**PROMOTER 2:** "Yeah, and if you're not up for it - and, let's face it, you're clearly not - "

**PROMOTER 1:** "We - well, we just need to move on and find someone else."

**PROMOTER 2:** "Unless you can maybe change your act and broaden your appeal."

**AGENT:** "Yeah, think of an idea."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** _[bewildered]_ "I - I can't. I've got a head, but - but I can't think."

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, then we can't be in business with you. Do you see the situation we're in?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "No. I - I've got an eye, but I can't see."

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, then I guess it's over. We'll cancel your run at the club."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "OK, well, how much money did I make?"

**AGENT:** "You? Nothing. Per the contract you signed, I get all the money you earned."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "What?! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to make a living?"

**PROMOTER 1:** "Well, you could work with us as promoters."

**PROMOTER 2:** "Yeah, you'd be perfect. What do you think?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I think you guys are nuts. _[pointing to Agent]_ And you're an a**hole."

_[END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 16: Cartman flees the Vietnamese**

_[Cut to Little Vietnam, where Vietnamese mob chases Cartman, surrounding him in the park.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[picks up stick lying on ground]_ "Everyone just back off! Just let me go, and I'll never come back here to try harvesting your body parts in exchange for wishes! I promise!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Oh, please, you think we're falling for that?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "You'll just be back like the others! We're gonna make an example out of you, and send a message to everyone!"

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1:** "We're not noble savages, we're not magic negroes, we don't exist simply to support the careers of white celebrities!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Yeah, we're tired of you white people thinking that, since we're different and exotic, we must be some kind of supernatural resource for you to make use of!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "The only reason Saigon seems like some mystical destination to you is because it's different. If a Vietnamese person wanted to go to a strange, mysterious world of the occult, they'd go to Boise."

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1:** "Boise? Really?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "Well, maybe not Boise."

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1:** "Maybe Miami. Or Rancho Cucamonga."

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "Or Anaheim! Yeah, Disneyland!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Disneyland? F**k, man, this is better than Disneyland!"

**CARTMAN:** "You're wrong! It's basic science! Tons of Oscar-winning movies have been made based on beating up Vietnamese people! It's not fair! You Vietnamese people can't bogart all the magic! You have to share it!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "Oh my God, that's nonsense! The idea that you could become a famous movie star by knocking out one of our eyes is as dumb as the idea that one of us could become a famous movie star by knocking out the eye of Mark Wahlberg!"

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1:** "Yeah, or by knocking out the eye of a fat white kid!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "Yeah, it would be… _[uncertain]_ stupid. _[pause]_ Wouldn't it?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "Maybe..."

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1:** _[pause]_ "Um, I want to be a movie star."

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "So do I!"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2:** "Well, you a**holes are gonna have to get in line behind me, 'cos I'm gonna be one first!"

_[As they close in on Cartman, a voice is heard in the distance.]_

**MAN IN STREET:** "There he is!"

_[The man in the street who Cartman met earlier arrives, at the head of a group of middle-aged, dumpy white men.]_

**MAN IN STREET:** "What do you people think you're doing with him? He clearly said I was next in line, and I told them _[gesturing to dumpy white followers]_ that they could get in line behind me!"

**OLD WHITE GUY 1:** "We've all been waiting very patiently. We're wearing sandals, we brought lotion, and a bucket to collect his poop!" _[holds up bucket]_

**OLD WHITE GUY 2:** "Yeah, you think you can just cut in front of the rest of us?"

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1:** "What the hell are you talking about?"

**MAN IN STREET:** "Oh, I'll show you what I'm talking about! Get 'em!"

_[Middle-aged, dumpy white men launch themselves into the Vietnamese mob. Cartman uses the brawl as an opportunity to escape deeper into the park. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 17: Wahlberg-Magic reunion**

_[Cut to Wahlberg back in his hotel room. There is a knock at the door.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[moving near the door, but not opening it]_ "I - I'm not in here! You - you must have the wrong room! I love Thai people!"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** _[heard from the other side of the door]_ "It's not the Thai mob, Mark. You lost them. It's me, Magic."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[opening the door]_ "Magic! You're back! What happened?"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** _[entering the room, stooped and defeated]_ "I - I tried to make a go of it myself, but I blew it. I blew it! Nobody believed in me."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Oh, no."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "Do you, Mark? Do you believe in me? Do you believe … in Magic?"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Of course I do! I blew it, too! I spent all this time thinking I could further my career by beating minorities, when I should have been beating you!"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** _[emotional]_ "Oh, Mark. Marky Mark! You can't get far in this crazy world when all you are is a big d**k. People demand more than that. I guess they even deserve more than that."

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[also emotional]_ "I know! Oh God, don't I know!"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "While you were spending all your time beating minorities, I was spending all my time hanging around with two nuts and an a**hole, until I realized that I'm just a blind fool without a thought in his head, who never should have left his best friend. I'm so sorry!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[sobbing]_ "Oh, Magic, I love you! I mean, not in a gay way - I don't deserve to get crucified or anything - but I do love you! And love means never having to say you're sorry. Just like I get to do all sorts of bigoted crap without ever making up for it, because people love me. So don't apologize. We belong together. You - you complete me."

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** "I do. I do complete you."

_[Wahlberg picks Magic Johnson up and stuffs him down his pants. Magic Johnson reattaches with a "pop" sound.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** _[his hand still down his pants, frighteningly triumphant]_ "Now my arm is complete!"

_[As the camera focuses in on an intense-looking Wahblerg - his hand still down his pants - a choir begins to sing a song in the fashion of "Sweeney Todd".]_

**CHOIR:** "Attend the tale of Marky Mark

Owed his career to his nether part

He couldn't get it up one day

The comedy club had it taken away

Poor Marky, poor Marky Mark"

**MAGIC JOHNSON:** _[interrupting the music]_ "We're staying out of the music business, Mark!"

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "OK, you're right. We must go find Eric, and tell him that we're back together again!"

_[Wahlberg-Johnson leave the hotel room. END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 18: Cartman on the run**

_[Cut to the park, where Cartman - still carrying a stick - runs frantically down a path. Hearing people behind him, he jumps into a bush for cover. Three Vietnamese people rush down the path just after Cartman disappears. They stop near the bush, barking commands in Vietnamese. Cartman is seen peering out fearfully from the bottom of the bush, looking at the Vietnamese. One of the Vietnamese is about to start poking in the bush with a stick of his own when a fourth Vietnamese person arrives, barks further commands in Vietnamese, and all four leave.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[crawling out from the bush]_ "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I've got to get out of here! Got to get off the path! Stay off the path, follow the river down to the coast!"

_[There is rustling in another bush as someone approaches.]_

**CARTMAN:** "Aaaah! Die, you motherf**kers! Die!" _[swinging his stick at the figure]_

_[Wahlberg collapses on the ground in front of Cartman, clutching his bloody face.]_

**MARK WAHLBERG:** "Aargh! My eye!"

**CARTMAN:** _[horrified]_ "Oh my God! What have I done?! I knocked out Mark Wahlberg's eye! _[suddenly smiling]_ I'm going to be a movie star! AWESOME!"

_[Camera focuses on a headshot of a grinning Cartman. He looks from side to side, then punches Wahlberg several times.]_

**CARTMAN:** _[gleeful]_ "A double movie star! DOUBLE AWESOME!"

_[END SCENE.]_

* * *

**SCENE 19: The boys apologize**

_[Credits roll, but are soon interrupted. Cut to a formal English study where Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are seated, wearing suits and ties and solemnly facing the camera.]_

**STAN:** "Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, we want to apologize for tonight's show. You see, there is a darker side to each of us that wants to believe the worst about people, particularly those with whom we disagree or whose success we envy."

**KYLE:** "A side that wants to believe that Mark Wahlberg is a bigoted, no-talent douchebag who cheats on his wife with prostitutes, and who may only have one testicle."

**CARTMAN:** "A side that wants to believe he has an enchanted talking penis named Magic Johnson who is largely responsible for his achievements in the entertainment industry. Tonight, we took advantage of that darker side in all of us, for which we are profoundly sorry."

**KENNY:** _[unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures apparently invoking masturbation and a bunny rabbit]_ "Mf hm n fm n hm fn!"

**STAN:** "Yeah, that's right!"

**KYLE:** "Good point, Kenny!"

**CARTMAN:** "Why, a disclaimer like that should be more than sufficient to shield us from any legal ramifications that might be threatened by Mr. Wahlberg's attorneys!"

**KENNY:** _[muffled]_ "It sure is!"

**KYLE:** "Good night, everyone."

**STAN:** "Take it away, Les."

_[END SCENE. Roll credits.]_

_[FINI.]_


End file.
